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The Men's Centerof Raleigh and Wake County |
| Archives |
The Men's Centerof Raleigh and Wake County |
November 1997
Elders' Message
The Elders’ Council is a group of former members of the Leadership Council who provide practical support, consultation, and inspiration to the current Leadership Council as well as to the Men's Center as a whole. The group was formed a few years ago as a way of giving the Men's Center continued access to the energy and ideas of men who had moved through the formal Men's Center leadership roles.
While ready for a break from formal Men's Center duties, many of us wanted to continue giving time and energy to the Men's Center. For a time we were concerned that the Center was losing contact with energetic and seasoned men when they moved off the Leadership Council. The Elders’ Council is a group around which we can organize this time and energy and sustain a mutually valuable connection.
Over the years the Elders’ Council has supported the Men's Center in a number of ways. It sponsored greeting procedures for newcomers to the monthly meetings and developed a men's resource manual. It also sustains the Men's Center phone log and provides facilitators for new support groups and consultation for existing groups as needed. It is currently working on outreach programs to former Center members/participants and to the larger community.
For the past two years the Elders’ Council has coordinated the Spring gathering. This year the gathering was produced in conjunction with the Men's Council of the Triad, an association that will continue in 1998. The gathering draws men from North Carolina and surrounding areas and features local talent as workshop leaders. As Men's Center Elders we want to provide a format for men to teach and learn from each other in a spirit of brotherhood and mutual assistance.
The Elders’ Council is a group in which men can practice and refine the role of elder as, among other things, "men helping men become themselves."
--Doug Jennette
From the Vice President
"Individual commitment to a group effort. That's what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work."
--Vince Lombardi
The Leadership Council has talked about and approved a new vision for the Raleigh Men's Center for the next few years. Hopefully, moving towards this new vision will involve all of the 129 current members of the Men's Center and its immediate community. We believe that the future of the Men's Center and its very important services to men depend on the involvement of the total membership, not just the small energetic core of the Leadership Council.
I would like to present our model for managing and financing the Men's Center for the next few years. Very simply, we have proposed that the Center be managed in a financially sound and business-like manner. For instance, goals should be set to ensure that support group payments from our nine support groups provide the dollars we need to pay the rent and operating expenses of our Johnson Street office. (Currently fourteen support group members owe $669.) We also want to ensure that the membership dues plus the 31 newsletter-only subscriptions cover the costs of publishing and mailing the newsletter each month. In addition, we expect regular workshops and conferences to generate income that will significantly increase our cushion of savings. We need a safe buffer of funds for unpredictable emergencies and for supporting worthy community events.
Some goals that would support this model include: 1) increasing our savings by $1500 per year; 2) increasing membership by 10 percent per year (which means just one new member a month for the first year); 3) establishing a Web page on the Internet; 4) planning all special events at least twelve months in advance; 5) offering special events at least once a quarter and major events at least twice a year; 6) actively seeking corporate donations; 7) sending the newsletter out by e-mail to those who have an e-mail address.
These goals can be accomplished--but only with the active involvement and commitment of the total membership. The Leadership Council cannot carry them out unassisted. Ideally, it should become a body of managers and organizers, not doers. For example, we are asking the Elders (all of whom have had Leadership Council experience) to help realize our model by becoming active committee members and recruiters of volunteers. We believe now is the time to re-energize the Raleigh Men's Center membership and its activities.
In this issue you'll find an insert listing some of the committees that need volunteers. Some Center members have already committed to some of their activities. Let your feelings guide you in choosing the committee in which you would best serve other men who need your support. Fill out the form and return it to: Leadership Council, Raleigh Men’s Center, P. O. Box 6155, Raleigh, NC 27628.
--Frederick Whitmeyer
Leadership Council in Action
Web Page, Committees, Duvall, and Stewardship
The Leadership Council of the Raleigh Men's Center met at 7:15 PM on Thursday, October 2, 1997, in the Johnson Street office. Present were Don Azevedo, Ron Blankenship, Marcus Copelan, Lee Elliott, Art Kirwin, John Marmaud, Wiegand Rodler, Frederick Whitmeyer, and Hilton Freed, a member of the Elders’ Council.
After an opening ritual, Hilton Freed spoke of the possibilities and mechanics of setting up a Men's Center Web Page on the Internet. He mentioned several plans and costs. After discussing several advantages of having a Web page, we asked Hilton to continue looking into the matter.
Frederick Whitmeyer reported on the progress of his forming various committees to carry out Men's Center functions. Along with the Elders’ Council, Frederick has composed an insert to be put into the November newsletter. It will list the various committees, their tasks, and the names of men who have already volunteered. The insert will also contain a form to be filled out by those men wishing to volunteer.
Concerning the newsletter: Lee Elliott suggested that a man from the Elders’ Council write the principal message for November's issue. Each month another man--one of the LC members, another elder, or someone from the membership--would compose this message. Such a rotation would bring a variety of opinions and issues. Lee also recommended that the Committee on Monthly Meetings rotate among its members the task of writing the meeting reports for the newsletter.
Marcus Copelan reported on the Duvall
retreat. Eleven men attended--fewer than he'd
hoped--yet the weekend, he felt, was a rich experience. He'd heard words like
"pivotal," "energizing," and "renewing," from nearly all the
men who attended.
We discussed some reasons why more men do not attend such retreats. Frederick Whitmeyer wondered if we use too much '70's "new-age-speak" in our advertising. He suggested that promotion for future events be re-worded to focus more on the needs of men in the '90's.
For a large part of the meeting we discussed the current finances of the Men's Center. We all agreed we could have been--and could be--much better stewards. November's newsletter will contain Frederick's proposal for improving the Center's finances.
We decided to raise the price of the Newsletter subscription for non-members to $15, beginning in December.
Art Kirwin volunteered to request and collect the $1.00 donation at the monthly meetings, and to bring current newsletters, name tags, and membership information for new arrivals.
After a ritual of deep breathing, the meeting adjourned.
--Art Kirwin
It was disappointing to see the few men who turned out for the Jeffrey Duvall workshop at Camp Kanata in September. I knew (from past gatherings) that there were advantages in having only eleven men present. A smaller, more intimate group makes it possible to feel safe enough to reach parts of our selves that would otherwise be too frightening to disturb. I was anticipating a challenging weekend!
But I arrived feeling very tired, exhausted, and spent, much of it due to the feeling that aspects of my life are out of control. I recently began working out at a health club and ran on a treadmill for the first time: a living metaphor for where I am right now, not only emotionally, but vocationally and financially. In order to cope with the threat of major depression, I cranked up my workouts a notch, got busier--even more frantic--about social activities and work. But I kept finding that "faking it" was not "making it."
I did not like feeling this way at the workshop. I wanted to present myself before Jeffrey as the sort of vibrant, powerful, and sensitive man that the Men's Center attempts to nurture. I was also supposed to provide kitchen help before and after meals. I knew that the spirit with which food is prepared is as important to its taste and nutrition as the freshness of ingredients and the skill of the cook. As depressed, jangled, and needy as I felt, I was not up to fulfilling these unrealistic expectations that I had for myself.
The weekend unfolded in a gray fog of meal prep and occasional moments when I would let the compelling stories of the other men break through this envelope of hopelessness. I was wrapped in my shame at being depressed. I was terrified by the aspect of the next thirty years of my life, should I be cursed to live that long, being like the first 40-odd years. I did not know how I could work on this here at the retreat, but I seized upon the notion of some kind of blessing: what exactly I did not know, but I needed something more than I could do for myself. At Jeffrey's suggestion, I brought this intention into the lodge to see what the sweat would bring to me.
Nothing came. The lodge was a steaming sulfurous noisy place where the suffocation of my despair was, if anything, heightened. For the first time at a sweat, I could not bear it, the heat and smoke were too much. I asked "my relations" for forgiveness and crawled out. After lying on the cool earth and sipping some water, in tears, I crawled back in, because I didn't know what else to do. As I passed the stone-pit, I felt a sharp stabbing pain in the heel of my right hand. A chip of cherry red-hot granite had fallen there, and my hand had found it and the stone had burrowed a quarter inch into my flesh. It was a reminder that I was alive. I could feel; this was pain, too, but as much as it hurt, it was not more than I could stand. That, however, was a poor harvest for the suffering. After floating in the pond to cool off, I dressed, ate a little, and went to bed, exhausted, hardly speaking to anyone.
I awoke without recalling any dreams. It was gray, overcast, still drizzling. The lodge fire was cold and still nothing had come to me. There was no relief as we gathered that morning. Haltingly, I spoke about my "lost" feeling. I was getting nowhere with this. Jeffrey and I agreed that I should receive a blessing from the men by lying down and having them place their hands on me. As I did so, I felt each man's broad hand connect with a gentle pulse of energy. Finally, the tears came.
The gray fog rolled back some after that, and I could be present with the men for the rest of the morning and afternoon. I went home alert and conscious of the world around me: trees, birds, the low clouds, gentle winds, the foretaste of autumn in the air, and a new wound on the heel of my hand.
--Vaughn Clauson
The field filled with people quickly.
In the distraction, there was no chance to hear the silence of the stones speak.
Stone people.
Educated eyes, used to seeing;
Uneducated hearts feeling the sharing of the stones.
A mind searching for meaning.
Darker areas between them, the light on them speak to me of soul.
--Hilton Freed
October 6, 1997
In many many ways he is my golden boy.
We played, grew and loved.
I held him tight to my heart
Too early for me - he pushed his boundaries.
He joined the "wild man."
Holding his power to choose tight to his heart.
I asked for change.
Begged for change,
I tried to accept his choices.
And I learned I had to let him go.
Terror visits me - what if he isn't old,
wise, and experienced enough?
I give you, the society of men, my precious son.
Honor my wild man - golden boy-man.
My son.
Hold him to your heart.
--Jim Neill
I go to a man's weekend when I want to be blessed and brought to the best self I can ever be. I go to experience the fulfillment of connectedness, trust, and the kind of closeness with men that I have never gotten anywhere else.
In September I found I needed yet another weekend--time out from the world of 1997 that was moving me faster than I could get out of its way.
Since joining the Men's Center in 1989, I've been to many men's conferences. I've been with Robert Bly, and he'll get me there with poetry, fairy tales, playing on his bouzouki and his drum. Michael Meade talks me there fast with a story told to a drum-beat. Tom Daly works me as hard as he works himself to stick with the hidden me until I can reclaim it as my own. David Shiffman brings me down to floor level, quickly using simple ritual to break loose grief and love-hunger. He fills me in a way that I know I'll never be the same again.
Jeffrey Duvall's leadership is hardly leadership at all. He'll open with a simple ritual, no spectacle. He just starts talking, and before you know it, you're with him. He'll go for the hidden grief. He'll honor your elder and call you to eldership. He'll let you slip into his world. He'll lead you into the best sweat lodge you've ever entered. He's a natural man. He lets his sweat stink.
--Bennett Myers
Ingredients for a Transforming Journey
1. Take a quiet camp in the woods on a lake.
2. Add eleven men willing to risk looking at their lives and shadows.
3. Add a shaman to direct the process.
4. Spice with three delectable meals each day.
5. Add a large amount of meditation, personal work, and sharing.
6. Stir for two days, and what you end up with is another transforming Raleigh Men's Center weekend.
Those are the elements of a wonderful experience. But trying to describe a Jeffrey Duvall weekend is similar to trying to describe what it's like to be married or have children or go to war. If you haven't been there, you aren't going to get the essence of the experience from words. Pivotal experiences can seldom be conveyed in words.
The closeness I felt to other men is my most cherished part of the whole weekend. Most of the men were relative strangers, but when I heard of their joys, losses, and hopes, the usual emotional distance that I keep from other men melted away. By the end of the weekend, I knew many of the men better after two days of sharing than I know some of the men I have worked with for years. I am not sure whether that is an endorsement of the weekend or a sad commentary on my other friendships at work. I do know that my work week has been softer and my patience with other men and women has been dramatically changed.
If you need a refresher course or hard proof that we, as men, are all connected and have many of the same burdens, then don't miss the next chance to honor yourself with such a "growthful" weekend.
--Jim Neill
What I expected.
I didn't know what to expect. This was only my second men's gathering, and I had very little idea of what was meant by a "spirit vision retreat."
What was I looking for.
I have always been interested in religions and belief systems, though I have not been involved in any organized religion or faith-based belief system for about twenty years. I supposed I envisioned the retreat as a kind of workshop for the soul.
What I found.
Ten incredibly supportive, open men--and much healing. I believe the weekend strayed somewhat from its original intent. In hindsight I'm not sure that Jeffrey had intended it to be focused on healing to the extent that it was. However, I think that he recognized that healing was what most of us seemed to be wanting, and he helped us address that need. Still, he did manage to work his original "spirits" theme into the weekend. He summed his message up with the short prayer-phrase "all of my relations." By that he did not mean to honor and be good just to our immediate families or our local communities, but to all of humanity-- present, past, and future. His call to us was to use our energies to be active locally and globally in trying to improve the world. At the end of our weekend, I found myself more focused, optimistic, and excited about meeting this challenge.
--Allen Frazelle
November 22, Saturday, 4:00 PM to 9:00 PM--or until we give out, whichever comes first. Pot luck dinner.
It's time for the Men's Center Fall Feast again. Join your friends for a celebration and thanksgiving gathering! Although the traditional family Thanksgiving is coming up a week later, this event is a time to give thanks and celebrate new traditions with our chosen family. We'll gather about 4 PM and start the pot luck feast about 6. The theme of the day will be "simplicity," so we invite you to think about bringing something to eat that you made yourself, even if it has to be something simple and easy. If all we had to eat was rice and beans and only water to drink, we could still feel completely thankful to be alive and sharing the day with our community. In keeping with the theme of simplicity, we won't have any elaborate plans for activities. Bring your musical instruments, singing voices, dancing bodies, and wild imaginations, and we'll follow the creative spirit of the moment. We invite you to think about simplicity and sharing how that plays out in your life.
If you come while it's still light, you are welcome to wander down by the Rocky River or enjoy the woods or open fields. There is also a pleasant 1/2 mile walk down the dirt road to a 1921 one-lane steel bridge across the river.
Everyone is welcome (women and men)--except small children under 10 or so, only because this year's site isn't child-proof and it wouldn't be safe. Use your judgment about whether your adolescent would enjoy this kind of unstructured event.
Directions: Take US 64 West from Raleigh or US 15-501 South from Chapel Hill or Durham to Pittsboro. From the courthouse circle in Pittsboro follow 15-501 South for about 3 miles to Chatham Church Road on the right. On Chatham Church Road go about 1.5 miles on the paved portion of the road, then continue for another 1.5 miles on dirt. When you pass Johnny Shaw Road, start looking for the driveway on the right with the number 3306 on a large mailbox.
--Paul Tierney and Maggie Wilson
Dear Charles,
The Leadership Council of the Raleigh Men's Center would like to thank you for your excellent work as Support Group Coordinator. During the past year, you have fielded calls from new men, placed them in support groups, devised a smooth system for billing and reporting fees and kept the council well informed of support group activities.
Over the years, all major functions had gravitated to the Leadership Council. We believed that it would be more efficient and democratic to place some key functions back into the general membership. When you agreed to accept the position, it was our first effort at placing a significant function outside the council.
Your seamless performance as Support Group Coordinator affirmed the council's belief. Including men outside the council in leadership positions has benefited the council's ability to better oversee the range of center programs. It has also begun a process of restoring a sense of ownership to the entire membership.
At your suggestion, this year your position has been divided: you continue to maintain financial records and Patrick Knox joins you as the contact for men seeking support groups. Our hats are off to you both for overseeing the largest program of the Raleigh Men's Center.
Sincerely,
The Leadership Council
This is the first invitation to an experiment of the Raleigh Men's Center poetry circle. We will meet for a mixed gender poetry circle on the second Sunday in November (the 9th). It will be held 2:00-5:00 PM in the back building of the Montessori School of Raleigh at 7005 Lead Mine Road. The poetry circle will be followed by the mixed gender drumming (dancing, etc.) 5:00-7:00 PM.
We invite women to share their poetry within the structure usually experienced by the men in the Men's Center poetry group. In our usual format, a poet reads a poem and then listens to sharing and feedback from the group. We try to allow enough time for each poet, who chooses, to read one poem and receive feedback on it. If there is more time, a poet may read another poem. The focus of the group is not on literary critique (though some might be shared); it is primarily on the spirit of witness and testimony of the depths of the poems. Feedback often relates to the spiritual journey of the individuals and the group.
If you have any questions, let me know, and I'll tell you what I can. Bob Boyd ###-#### (home).
Phone Log Comittee Forms,
Seeks A Few Good Men
The Men’s Center Telephone Log, a vital link to men seeking information and referral services, has been transferred from the Leadership Council into the hands of capable volunteers. Doug Lester will spearhead the phone log committee; Temple Porter and Bob Irvine have volunteered their talents and time. The committee seeks other men to join them. Temple will re-design the format used for the log as well as devise a mini-training program for men who desire to help with this program. Doug seeks a total of eight men for the committee to share responsibility, support one another, and create a cycle of volunteer time that fits well with the volunteers’ schedules. Contact Doug Lester: (h) 832-3954, (o) 782-2900.
Meet for Dinner Before November Meeting
On Thursday, November 20 at 6:00 PM, those men who wish to can meet at Joe’s Place, 301 West Martin Street in Raleigh. Phone: 832-5266. In years past, we met for dinner before our program, thus permitting more time for informal conversation. We will gather at this popular and inexpensive Raleigh diner, featuring “Joe’s Mom’s Food,” in order to socialize with one another. If his schedules permits, John Haverstock , our program speaker, will join us.
Although only a minority of men actually
serve in the military and fewer still are initiated into the brotherhood of those who have
killed, all men are marked by the warfare system. We are all war wounded.”
--Sam Keen, Fire in the Belly
John Haverstock, our speaker for the evening, writes:
“I got closer to war than I wanted, but I am keenly aware that most of my
contemporaries were as close to it and as much involved with it 8000 miles away as I was.
At our November meeting I am compelled to tell my story. I want feedback from
you--your story. I'll begin with a short presentation, and then we'll divide into small
groups. Participation will, of course, be voluntary. I will need the support of the men
who attend because I will be hanging out some tender, almost raw, stuff.”
Come, come
Whoever you are
wanderer, worshiper,
lover of leaving,
(it doesn't matter).
Ours is not a caravan
of despair.
Come,
Come even if you have
Broken your vows
a thousand times.
Come,
Come yet again,
Come.
RUMI
--Mark Smith
The Holy
Ghost
They will ask
and I will mutter
and I will not break the
wings of this moment.
And who can understand
such low breathed talk
and indistinct.
They will ask
and I will mutter
and I will put some
word or other in the
stream like a stone
to step on and stay dry.
We want to be so dry,
all so dry.
They will ask
and I will mutter and mutter,
with sound and without,
mutter and mutter.
And this is all there is:
sitting with friends
and people I may love,
and the moonlight on the pond
and the frogs singing,
who have sense enough
to mutter and still sing.
They will ask
and I will not break
the wings of this
moment.
I will only mutter
and still sing.
--John Plymale
I hold the old woman as she is weeping,
unsure of how to comfort her.
What wisdom do I have to offer someone turning ninety?
She has watched me grow from infancy into a healthy man,
As I have watched her strong body grow shriveled and weak.
Earlier today, I told her for a third time
that she had made a difference in my life.
I was unsure if she had heard me the first two times.
Was her mind wandering as it sometimes does or had she chosen to not hear me.
Ignoring sentiment as we do in my family.
"How?" she asked with familiar
directness,
Looking me straight in the eyes, knowing that I would have to be totally honest.
I thought of times she had been kind and harsh, helpful and hurtful, loving and hateful.
"Just by being you." I finally said.
"Why are you crying?" my aunt asks
- we have never seen her cry before.
"Because this is the last time I think I'll ever see Johnnie."
I go to her as my aunt and cousin turn away.
Ignoring sentiment as we do in my family.
I start to say of course you will, but I
cannot lie to her.
I start to say don't cry, but I am sick of the family's unspoken rules.
I hold her frail body with tenderness and let her weep,
Gently telling her to go ahead.
When she stops I tell her that I know in my
heart I will see her again.
"It might not be here, but I will see you again." I tell her as she looks
straight into my eyes.
It is not until I am looking at the lightning below from my window seat that I can stop
Ignoring sentiment as we do in my family.
--John E. Marmaud
The bookcase in the hallway of the Johnson Street office is looking somewhat neglected and the books a little disheveled. As it is put into order, please be aware that donations of books are very welcome and can be dropped off upstairs at the Men's Center at any time. Books that relate to men's work are put on the shelves; others are sold or exchanged at used bookstores for relevant titles. All donations are tax deductible. Thanks!
--Hilton Freed
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