Archives January-February

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The Men's Centerof Raleigh and Wake County

January-February 1998

In order to conserve costs without sacrificing richness and variety, we will be publishing our newsletter bimonthly, beginning with this issue. If you have an event you wish to announce, please consider our new publication schedule when submitting your announcement. We hope to return to monthly publication in the near future.

Feature Article

What It Means to Be an Adult Man

On October 18, 1997, my roommate and I had an unusual party at my house. It was a party to which we invited men only. Its theme was twofold: 1) an informal inquiry into what it means to be an adult man and 2) what creates and maintains a long-term passionate relationship. We invited many of our friends. Some said the party sounded interesting but they couldn't make it. Some just said, "I will not be coming." A few said, "Why would you have a party and not invite women?"

We set up two flip charts in our living room, one stating the theme of the party and our definition of an "informal inquiry." I looked up the word 'inquiry' in the dictionary to complete the first flip chart and so better focus our discussion. Dissatisfied with the dictionary definition, I wrote my own: "An 'informal inquiry' is a casual discussion examining something as though it had never been examined before, with the intention of discovering something new." On the second flip chart I put three questions to seed the discussion.

I set up extra chairs in the living room, and our guests started to arrive. We introduced each other and my roommate offered refreshments. We ranged in age from 23 to 65.

I started describing how this idea for a party came to be. I said my roommate and I had attended a weekend course called "Sterling Men's Weekend." We had each received unique value from it, but I wanted more. Furthermore, I wanted to openly discuss with men issues which I thought were important. My intention was to discover something in a group that may not be discoverable on one's own. At the men's weekend, I had discovered that men together can begin to look at and discuss openly issues that they may be apprehensive about discussing in the presence of women.

The men in the group were listening attentively to me, so I asked the first question: "Who were the role models that supported you in distinguishing yourself as a man?"

The answers were varied:

"My first role model was my father, then later a man at church who represented wisdom."

"I took bits and pieces from different people."

"Davie Crockett and John Wayne were role models for me growing up. And The Rifle Man.... The show was about a father-son relationship involving power, strength, as well as gentleness. And my father, of course."

Things began to warm up. To encourage the discussion further, I told something about myself and my role models that was personally exposing.

Another man spoke up: "I grew up without a role model at home because my father was gone, and I resented that. My role models were fathers in the neighborhood. I remember an older man who taught us about cars. He showed us how to fix cars and let us do some of the work. That left an impression on me."

Another said, "The Andy Griffith Show--this was a story about men's relationships. I also got strength from my father; he gave me a sense of fair play--not taking advantage of a person when they were vulnerable. Also, how to deal with physical pain. He did not offer a model for dealing with emotional pain; he would just run from it."

I went around letting people volunteer to speak and sometimes calling on others.

One man said, "My role models at 16 or 17 were Bob Dylan and Timothy Leary--basically because I was rebelling against my parents. Dylan was bright-witted, and cynical, and I liked that."

Sadly a man said, "Most of my role models growing up were negative...a lot of drinking and anger. Now they are Tony Robbins, Steven Covy, and John Gray. I guess the most important role models are the ones in front of me today. I listen to tapes of them in the car and worked hard for the last year to change; however, my wife doesn't feel I have changed enough and is still divorcing me. I listen to the tapes of them over and over but progress seems slow."

Another replied, "We were not taught how to let go, which is necessary for real change. It's a challenge to hold present where we want to be."

Another man spoke up, "There are earthly and heavenly role models: Jesus Christ offered both to me. I was always a good Christian, husband, and father. Then I came home one day and found my wife in bed with another man. I had a complete breakdown. If it wasn't for Jesus, I would have not made it."

"Who else?" I asked, and one man replied, "I tried to draw role models from TV... I could never measure up. I really went through an identity crisis during my separation. In fact, I think in my 40's I am just beginning to get together my own identity from role models around me."

One of the younger men said, "My father--he was my best friend. I wanted to follow in his footsteps. He was in oil and I am in computers. Oil and computers don't mix."

Another man said, "I wonder if I chose my father as a role model. He had a strong feminine side. I remember what he gave to me. In times when I was in big trouble, he was really supportive, but at other times he was just absent."

There were more comments and the conversations continued; it is hard to put in words how rich the experience was becoming. We discovered how what we where taught or told when we were growing up was not as nearly as important as the people around us. We were looking for models of being and behaving from men around us.

My own internal dialogue was not giving me a clear feedback as to how well the evening was going. In my head I heard mostly talk about how I should be doing something better, or I was missing something.

I then continued to the second question: "In contrast to traditional role models of men, what does it mean to be a man who is in touch with his heart but who is, at the same time, strong, managing his responsibilities, and loving and enjoying his life?"

After reading this question out loud, I realized that it was a bit much, so I stated it in a simpler and slightly different way: "What does it mean to be an adult man? And when did you decide you were an adult man?"

One man jokingly blurted out, "What do you mean 'decided'? You're assuming that I am one."

Another said, "What do you mean by adult?"

I answered that I had picked "adult" as another word for "real man," and he answered, "Why not just 'man'?" I replied that we could use the word "man," and the discussion continued.

The youngest man spoke up, "I have met a lot of older men who act like small children. I mean, just because you are older does not mean you are an adult."

The man who found his wife in bed with someone else spoke, "To tell the truth, I am not the right man to call on; I don't know any more. The center of my life was my wife, family, children. I gave up time for myself...that was a mistake. Now I am trying to discover what is my purpose in life." (I could see he really did not realize how much he was offering to the rest of us with his courage to speak.)

One man said, "I guess I have moved from being who I think I should be; now I am looking at becoming who I want to be."

Another said, "I guess I had identity crises at 30, 40, 50, and now at 60, I am becoming more comfortable with who I am becoming."

One man spoke up, "I remember the moment I realized I was a man. I was doing construction work at the time and the foreman asked me to go up on a high roof and do something. I remember looking up at the high roof. I was tired and I said, 'Look man, I am scared; I don't want to do it.'"

After some more comments, I decided it was time to go to the third question: "What does it take to create and maintain a long term passionate relationship?"

One spoke up, "I think it is important in our relationships to work on our relationships with ourselves."

Another said, "Yeah, I have forgotten and remembered that many times."

Someone else spoke, "You know how much we buy into the romantic fantasy? The problem is no one has offered me a way to break the pattern. It's like they have offered women a way out (in movies and on TV) but not us."

A reply: "Yeah, what does the prince do when his princess does not want to be rescued?"

One man spoke, "To keep the relationship working, you give up your men friends and hobbies because you're told that you're away too much."

Another: "What we do is give up ourselves for our relationships."

Another: "Then we have nothing left for them to love."

It was 10:30 PM, and I thought it was a good time to conclude. So I thanked everyone for coming and shared that my intention was to further refine leading such group discussions and write this article. I was still not exactly sure how the evening went, or if this was a real "inquiry." At the same time, I was moved by what had happened. I felt as if I had played a role in creating a sacred place.

Several men spoke up, "When are we going to meet again?" "Yeah, we just scratched the surface."

I replied that I had already scheduled the next one to occur after Christmas, maybe in February.

"That's too far away..."

"Yeah, we don't want to lose the continuity!"

I replied that I would look at my calendar and have the next meeting within a month. The inquiry continues....

--Martin W. Brossman

Martin is establishing a training/facilitation business to assist people in improving communications and planning.

Elders' Message

Re-Discovering The Men's Center

The Elders' Meeting was held December 13, 1997, at the Johnson Street office. Present at the meeting were Ron Blankenship, Frederick Whitmeyer, Doug Lester, Doug Jennette, Victor Taube, Hilton Freed, Daniel Lebold, Stacy Allen, Temple Porter, Bill Finger, and John Plymale.

Ron and Frederick reported on the present financial status of the Men's Center. We have approximately $1,800 in checking and savings. Currently there are seven support groups using the Center offices. (The space can hold fifteen groups meeting weekly). The revenue from seven groups will come within $75.00 a month of paying the office rent. Combined with some proposed cost cutting, the annual membership and newsletter subscription dues should enable us to break even on a monthly basis. Throughout 1998, we are cutting costs by publishing the newsletter every other month and by returning to less expensive bulk mailing. It was also suggested that we consider renting the Johnson Street offices for appropriate special events when the offices are not being used by support groups and Council meetings.

Frederick and Ron expressed disappointment in the limited feedback from their requests for volunteers for the Men's Center committees and for topics for the monthly meetings. Even so, through brainstorming and voting via e-mail, Frederick has come up with a list of twelve program topics for 1998, all of which seem powerfully focused on issues of importance to men. Hopefully, the topics will encourage members to attend and to bring guests to the monthly meetings.

Doug Lester reviewed what the Elders' Council has done the last few years. The first Elders' meeting was held in 1994. Its first action was to honor the '94 Leadership Council at the '94 Fall Feast. Temple Porter developed a buddy system to welcome new members to monthly meetings. Doug Lester, along with Stacy Allen, Fran DeRespinis, Paul Tierney, Doug Jennette, and Ron Blankenship helped organize successful spring conferences in 1996 and 1997. They were well attended and quite profitable for the Raleigh Men's Center and for the Men's Council of the Triad.

We discussed the decreasing number of phone calls in the Men's Center's phone log. Many of us felt that the Center is getting less public exposure these days and that maybe it needs to make itself more aware to key centers of influence, such as local therapists. Doug Lester offered to contact such centers over the next two months.

We also noted that often these days many men seem too busy to talk of men's issues. Some of us felt that the mytho-poetic content of the newsletter could scare some men away. However, we all agreed that the Men's Center's sponsorship of support groups to help men become themselves was one of our most important contributions. And we agreed that, even though support groups start, grow, and often dissolve, we need to continue encouraging the development of new groups.

Ron brought up the question of inviting women to Men's Center events. All of us present agreed that to regular Center events women should not be invited. However, women could be invited to occasional special events.

After Bill Finger suggested our composing a ten-year vision for the center, we gave thanks to Temple Porter for revising and updating the telephone log, and to Doug Lester for organizing a group of men to manage the phone log (i.e., take calls and return them) for the next year.

Frederick proclaimed the Spring Conference is jelling on schedule. It will happen the weekend of April 24-26, 1998. "Mark your calendars now!" he cried out.

With that urging, we adjourned.

--Frederick Whitmeyer

Support Groups, the Phone Log, and Initiation

The Leadership Council of the Raleigh Men's Center met in the Johnson Street facility on Thursday, December 4, at 7:15 pm. Present were Don Azevedo, Ron Blankenship, Marcus Copelan, Art Kirwin, John Marmaud, Wiegand Rodler, Frederick Whitmeyer, and Temple Porter.

After hearing a Robert Bly poem read aloud and then a brief "checking-in," we welcomed Temple Porter from the Elders' Council, our speaker and facilitator for the evening. Temple spoke briefly of several crucial problems that he felt were facing the Center and then led us to brainstorm among ourselves about possible solutions.

He spoke of the value of having a detailed and carefully written Policy and Procedure Manual that would be passed down from Council to Council. It would contain not only the by-laws of the Men's Center but all the policies enacted in Leadership Council meetings and by vote of the membership.

He spoke of the value of the Telephone Log in referring men to various kinds of help and in bringing new men to Men's Center programs and into the membership. He saw a strong need for a better maintenance of the log and more timely responses to incoming messages. The log coordinator would require proper forms to be filled out, strong support from volunteers (at least two), and a thorough knowledge of log policy and procedure that can be passed on to the men who take the messages and respond to them. The coordinator's assistants would refer callers not only to legal services and therapists but also to our support group coordinator and the coordinator of monthly meetings. The Log Man himself would make monthly reports to the Council. Temple mentioned that he and Doug Lester have put together a three-hour training session for Phone Log volunteers.

We agreed that the Men's Center brochure needs extensive revising. Don Azevedo, our newsletter layout man, volunteered to take on the task.

Temple next addressed the crucial issue of support group dues--a source of funds vital to the Men's Center budget. (The Johnson Street rent and the costs of telephone service and insurance come solely from that source.) We all agreed a number of men do not pay dues to their support groups. As a corrective, Temple recommended a new dues-paying policy: on January 1, 1998 all support group members would pay annual dues on a pro-rata basis. Temple also recommended that we increase the support group dues for those groups using the Johnson Street facility.

In our December meeting Don Azevedo had volunteered to seek out corporations that might be willing to support one or more of our productions--possibly the newsletter. Unfortunately, he discovered that corporations are reluctant to give grants to a group like ours. We have sponsored insufficient outreach programs and have little diversity in our membership.

We spoke briefly of creating some sort of initiation ritual for new men coming into the Men's Center. An initiation would prove welcoming and would affirm that man's unique presence among us. (Groups like The New Warriors and The Promise Keepers initiate new members in powerful and appealing ways.)

Near the end of the meeting, suggestions were made that we return to the "buddy system" at our monthly meetings (volunteers would greet new men as they entered the door) and that we canvass inactive members about reasons they are no longer involved in Center activities.

After a quiet closing circle, we thanked Temple for his leadership and helpful comments and then adjourned for the night.

--Art Kirwin

NC Creates New Type Of Property In Divorce: Divisible Property

North Carolina courts have the power to divide a married couple's property when the couple separates before a divorce. The process by which the courts divide married persons' property after their separation is called "equitable distribution."

Since 1981 the legislature has considered only two types of property in an equitable distribution proceeding: marital property and separate property. Marital property means all real and personal property acquired by either spouse or both spouses during the course of the marriage. It includes stock shares, closely held businesses, limited liability companies, sole proprietorships, interests in partnerships, and other business entities. Separate property means all real and personal property acquired by a spouse before marriage or acquired by a spouse through inheritance or gift during the course of the marriage. Passive increase in the value of separate property and passive income derived from separate property is also considered separate property.

Effective October 1, 1997, for cases filed after that date, North Carolina courts have been empowered to consider a new type of property. This new type of property is called "a divisible property."

To understand why the legislature thought it necessary to add a new type of property, it is important to recognize that the date for valuation of marital property in North Carolina is a couple's date of separation.

In North Carolina a year of separation is required before a divorce is allowed. In that interval of time many changes can happen to marital property, such as passive appreciation or diminution in the value of marital property, passive income, increases in marital debt, finance charges, and interest on marital debt. Other examples of such changes may include the sale of a business or the award of a stock option or bonus that may vested or be paid during the year of separation but that was acquired as the result of the efforts of either spouse before the date of separation.

Before October 1, 1997, a North Carolina judge could use his or her discretion in whether to consider such post-separation events in the division of property. For cases filed after October 1, 1997, courts are required to equally divide--or "equitably distribute"--such property.

The definition of divisible property includes:

a. All appreciation and diminution in value of marital property and divisible property of a couple occurring after the date of separation and prior to the date of distribution, except that appreciation or diminution in value which is the result of post-separation actions or activities of a spouse shall not be treated as divisible property.

b. All property rights, or any portion thereof, received after the date of separation but before the date of distribution that were acquired as the result of the efforts of either spouse during the marriage and before the date of separation, including, but not limited to, commissions, bonuses, and contractual rights.

c. Passive income from marital property received after the date of separation, including, but not limited to, interest and dividends.

d. Increases in marital debt, financing charges and interest related to marital debt.

These changes in the law may have a number of practical applications. For example, previously in divorce-planning a lawyer might have advised a client who planned to separate to instruct or request of his employer that he or she not be paid a bonus until after his or her date of separation from his spouse. Now, with divisible property, which courts must divide equally or equitably, such a maneuver should not make any ultimate difference.

--Bailey J. Farrin

Keep Gregory Berns In Your Prayers

Many of you know Gregory Berns, a longtime member of the Men's Center. He recently gave us the blessings of his farm in Rolesville for our August picnic. Gregory has become seriously ill and makes frequent visits to Rex Hospital for treatment.

Charles Walker writes:

"In the coming weeks Gregory will be needing a lot of personal support from his friends. However, given Gregory's comprehension and language difficulties, it is not clear how much of the nature of his condition he understands now or may understand later, so when you speak with him it would be best to let him take the lead in discussing any specifics. But it is important that Gregory stay connected with and be visited by those who care about him.

"Gregory will need to have someone stay with him while Deborah is at work, ensure that he takes his medicines according to schedule, go with him for walks, and/or to take him for the brief but daily treatments at Rex (very close by). And as mentioned before, prepared food will be most welcome. Deborah has asked me to compile a list of all those who can help in some way, so please let me know."

Hour of Sleep

Dark day of rain.

Running into raucous rivers and echoing waves in high water,
breaking the lines of salt.

Shimmering light falling between her breasts, guiding my hands to touch the sand
between the stones.

Uncovering warmth and breath in the rocky hour of sleep.

-- Hilton Freed

Newsletter Now Accepting Advertising

You may have noticed that over the last several months the newsletter has been sent by first class mail. This has been done to ensure that you receive the newsletter as quickly as possible. To cover our increases in postage, we have decided to offer our subscribers the opportunity to advertise in the newsletter.

There are two ways you can submit advertising:
1. This one is the most reliable for you. Send a graphics file of the exact ad you wish to use in the correct size. Send by e-mail or IBM-formatted diskette. Graphics formats supported by our current system include bmp, pcx, jpg, tif, and gif. Using your graphics file, I merely insert your ad as a picture in the newsletter. It looks just as you want it and it is easy for us.

2. E-mail, regular mail or fax the text for your ad. We will create the ad using your text. Unfortunately, we don't have the resources to send you proofs for your approval, so you will have to trust us for accuracy if you use this approach. We do not have the ability to scan in logos or graphics yet.

Sizes and Costs (All measurements are in inches): Per Insertion
Whole Page 9.0 x 7.0 $75
Half Page 4.5 x 7.0 $50
Quarter Page 4.5 x 3.5 $35
Business Card 2.25 x 3.5 $20
If you buy 3 insertions or more there is a 20% discount.

All orders must be prepaid, with checks made out to The Men's Center. Deadlines for submitting advertising are the same as for submitting articles. See the calendar page for deadline dates. Send submissions and checks or money orders to: Don Azevedo #########

New Support Group Possibilities

Bill Finger has expressed an interest in participating with other men in either an "Into the Wilderness" or a "Building/Projects" support group.

Bill writes: "I don't desire to lead a group, but I would be willing to help organize one. The idea underlying this type of support group is that men through the ages have worked together--done things together. Simply talking together is, in some ways, foreign to our nature as men. This doesn't mean that we don't need a talking/sharing connection as a means of understanding our feelings. But often we can have more access to our feelings if we DO something first and then reflect on what comes up in the DOING together. I think it's a rhythmic thing. Ten years ago, when I helped start a support group, I needed to simply sit and talk-- and not do. Now, I need to hike and build things. One activity is not better than the other. I'm not judging 'talking' as bad. But it seems that the Men's Center groups as a whole are in a rut and need to be DOING for awhile collectively, not just talking. But I don't have the broader pulse--only my own."

Are you interested? Call Bill Finger at ###-####

Meet for Dinner Before January and February Meetings

On Thursday, January 15, and Thursday, February 19, at 6:00 PM, those men who wish to can meet at Joe’s Place, 301 West Martin Street in Raleigh. Phone: 832-5266. In years past, we met for dinner before our program, thus permitting more time for informal conversation. We will gather at this popular and inexpensive Raleigh diner, featuring “Joe’s Mom’s Food,” in order to socialize with one another. If their schedules permit, our program leaders will join us.

January Monthly Meeting

Never before have men faced the variety of competing expectations, cultural changes, and challenges to personal identity that we face at the end of the Twentieth Century. Most men struggle in good faith to accommodate these demands, often from a place of emotional isolation and absence of meaningful support from other men. The January meeting will focus on how men's support groups can provide an alternative to "business as usual" isolation and competitiveness and can become a vital link in the networks of support and affection that sustain and enrich our lives as men. Facilitated by Doug Jennette. Doug is a member of the Elders' Council and one of the founders of the Men's Center.

February Monthly Meeting

Intimacy In Healthy Relationships
Intimacy is always threatening to men who lack self worth or self-affirmation. Without this ability to love ourselves, we men will understand ourselves only in terms of our prescribed social roles. Clearly, until we can totally accept and love ourselves, we will continue to see ourselves only as we are mirrored in other's expectations for us. This February program on Intimacy will be an experiential and witnessing one, an affirming and validating one. We will look at intimacy with our hearts and not our heads. And we will be given some tools for cultivating healthy relationships with the important people in our lives. The program will be conducted by Frederick Whitmeyer and John Plymale.

True Safety

"True safety is not the absence of danger but rather the presence of faith.... We may discover that we actually feel safer when we move toward those things that frighten us, rather than away...."

--Wayne Muller, "Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood."

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