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The Men's Centerof Raleigh and Wake County |
| Archives |
The Men's Centerof Raleigh and Wake County |
March-April 1998
Elder’s Message
The Third Annual Men’s Gathering April 24-26, 1998
What men are saying:
"The Spring Gathering was a doorway into a rich life which I have needed and couldn’t seem to find other places I’ve looked. You have given me the key to authenticity." – MH
"I am so grateful for the Men’s Gathering and the two little puppies, all who brought me a powerful message that the time has come to heal my pain. From spirit through these two sources and my willingness to hear and act on this message, my life has changed forever." –JH
In October 1994 a group of Raleigh Men’s Center elders met in to create our version of a Men’s Gathering. We spent many hours discussing our visions, hopes, and dreams of what we wanted to create. As we shared, it became clear to us that we wanted to create a weekend that would attract approximately 100 men from all over North Carolina. We wanted to have small workshops that could be facilitated by men from our own community and not by "big name speaker" from the outside the area.
We also wanted this weekend to be available to all men at a reasonable cost. We think we accomplished this when 94 men attended the First Gathering. Now we are approaching the Third Spring Gathering with anticipation. We feel many men have been touched by these Gatherings over the last two years.
The Greensboro Men's Council participated in and shared responsibility for the Second gathering. This year, for the Third Gathering, we are again joining with the men in the Greensboro Men's Council and the men from the Asheville Men's Council in planning and coordinating this event.
Approximately 50% of the men who attended the first year attended the Second Gathering. Please try to make plans to attend the Gathering this year as there will be many new and exciting workshops and the large group gathering promise4s to be outstanding. I especially encourage support groups to consider going as a group. This will enhance and enrich what is already going on in your particular group. AI would also like to encourage all men to bring a friend with him to share this experience.
The Men Die
Review of The Titanic. Directed by James Cameron. Starring Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, Billy Zane.
If Titanic, the ship, was unsinkable, I guess this film, the most expensive ever made (!) is similarly unreviewable. I mean, no review is going to prevent maybe a hundred million viewers from spending their hard-earned dollars on this. (I heard that 40 percent of people in theaters viewing the film have seen it once or twice already!) If Titanic, the ship, was the gaudy flower of the beginning of the 20th Century, this film may be the celluloid icon of the end of it. (The ship, the film, the ship, the film, the ironies continue!);
Reviewers extol the film's obsessive technical and historical faithfulness while lamenting the lame Romeo/Juliet romance between the last lovely hope of a ruined upper class family, Rose (Kate Winslet) and the self-taught wandering artist Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio). The romance is the plot device permitting the filming of the spectacular ship going down--which, everyone knows, is the real point of the picture.
I am writing, here, because the film spoke to me, as a man, of how our sex is both idolized and despised by our culture. Idolized in the blind worship of technology, sacrifice, the risk of life and limb and money in the pursuit of achievement. Despised in the mocking of authority, the discounting of experience, and in piling upon men blame for doing what they were, with the help of their mothers, if not their fathers, programmed to do.
Titanic, the film, is a dirge to the masculine. The film begins with scenes of submersibles plunging to the icy depths, sending out probes to penetrate, plunder, rob, and rape the wreckage for salvage. These unseemly salvers, when they discover that the treasure for which they had been searching was gone, soon learn that the secret of the treasure, and the sinking of the ship, lies with the centuagenarian Rose, who then recounts the whole story. I liked the old Rose lots more than the poor-little-rich-0Rose of the flashback, but there is no contest between the ancient feminine wisdom of Rose and the adolescent cockiness of the deep-diving "boys" aboard the expedition ship.
On board the Titanic, during one of the early ship-board dinners, young Rose listens to the ship's designer wax eloquent on the scale and size of the project and then asks the gentleman, disarmingly, if he happened to hear about Doktor Freud in Vienna and his latest theories about the male obsession with size! But of course, Rose, who falls, dare I say, hysterically in love with our Romeo, Jack, after their night of joy in the back seat of a horseless carriage in Titanic's hold, simply cannot find it in herself to go back to her fiancé, the tall, dark, handsome, cruel, and too-rich Cal. But the sexual chasing provides a fine excuse to haul the camera up, down, and around the decks and passage ways of the sinking ship as the North Atlantic gushes in.
In this film, some of the women, victimized as they are by the ignorance, arrogance, and abuse of the men around them, manage to survive, taking with them their horrible memories, their children, or a few treasured possessions. But nearly all of the men die, even the cowards who survive the sinking by bribing or intimidating their way onto a lifeboat. (We learn that the cuckolded, cowardly Cal later blows his brains out after he loses everything in the Great Depression.) Our hero Jack first endears himself to Rose when he frustrates her intention to jump off the stern of the Titanic by observing that, if she went in, she'd be killing him because he'd have to go after her in an effort to save her. That was the truest statement of the whole film!
There were lots of creative possibilities, besides the sheer technical achievement of this film, that were simply not pursued. For instance, legend (in the form of Leadbelly's version of Titanic) has it that Jack Johnson, The Negro heavyweight champion, was refused passage on the Titanic's maiden voyage, when the Captain informed him "We don't haul no coal." At that point, Jack Johnson, waiting on the dock, said, "Y'all can go, go on down." In folklore, the underclass let go of the ship as an abomination that belonged at the bottom. Leadbelly sang:
Midnight on the sea, ban played Nearer My God to Thee.
Fare thee, Titanic, fare thee well.
Instead, if the film adopted any legend, it adopted the hillbilly-vaudeville-summer camp version of the song. That version fogged over the event with the misty view of nostalgia, nobility and grief:
The boat was full of sin; its sides 'bout to burst.
Cap'n shouted out, "Women and the children first."
O the Captain tried to wire, but the lines was all on fire.
It was sad when that great ship went down.
In Titanic, the twin assumptions of the 20th Century are unquestioned: women survive and nurture; men destroy and die. For all of the knowledge we have gathered in the eighty-six years since the Titanic went down, these basic assumptions remain as fully intact as the beautiful ghostly wreck at the bottom of the icy North Atlantic.
--Vaughn Clauson
January and February Meetings
The Leadership Council met on Thursday, January 8, 1998, at 7:15 PM, in the Johnson Street offices. Present were Ron Blankenship, Marcus Copelan, Lee Elliott, Art Kirwin, John Marmaud, Frederick Whitmeyer, and Lewis Copulsky(visitor).
We began with a ritual about new beginnings and opened the floor to Lewis Copulsky, a Men's Center member who is offering his time and expertise to survey the membership about their needs and interests. Frederick said that he and Kevin Hedeen will meet with Lewis to construct the survey.
Next, John Marmaud reported that the Men's Center continues to operate by the slimmest of margins.
Temple Porter has volunteered to do a workshop on efficiency in doing our business. A Council decision on this is to be made by e-mail.
We had a lengthy discussion on the support groups, concentrating on guidelines and liability issues. Marcus Copelan volunteered to e-mail us a proposal for a new policy regarding the payment of fees by support group members.
As an economy measure, our newsletter has become a bimonthly publication. We discussed the possibility of electronically submitting the master copy of the newsletter to Copymatic.
Ron had information on an offer of free furniture from This End Up Furniture. We decided to accept the offer and set a date for picking up the furniture.
We discussed mailing out separate flyers to publicize the monthly meeting and also discussed the need for better hospitality at these meetings, especially for new men.
The Leadership Council met on Thursday, February 5, 1998, at 7:15 PM, in the Johnston Street offices. Present were Don Azevedo, Ron Blankenship, Lee Elliott, Art Kirwin, John Marmaud, Wiegand Rodler, and Frederick Whitmeyer.
After an opening ritual focusing on winter and melancholy, Frederick, to change the mood, reported on the current preparations for the Third Annual Spring Gathering to be held April 24-26. He said there will be three sponsors: the Asheville Men's Council, the Men's Council of the Triad, and the Raleigh Men's Center. Further, we will have the whole of Camp Chestnut ridge to ourselves. John Waterhouse of Asheville and Frederick will co-facilitate the ritual parts of the conference. Doug Jennette will organize the workshops. The Institute of Men and Race will conduct a workshop on the Thursday night (April 23) before the opening of the Conference.
Training for new Phone Log volunteers is to take place on February 14 at the Center offices, with Temple Porter facilitating.
Ron reported on Hilton Freed's and Allen Frazelle's willingness to set up a Men's Center Web Page on the Internet. We agreed to ask for financial sponsors for the page in the next newsletter.
A call for nominees for Leadership Council vacancies for next year will appear in the coming newsletter. The present Council will have a retreat March 6-7 and will discuss details of the nominating process.
--Art Kirwin
On Gregory Berns
Charles Walker gave us permission to publish the following e-mail message he sent recently to a number of Men's Center Members.
Dear Friends,
Gregory had a MRI on Wednesday, February, 4, and got the results from Dr. Crane the next day. The image showed that the three tumors had doubled in size and that the radiation treatments had been ineffective. Consequently they, as well as the weekly visits to Drs. Hoffmann and Crane, have been discontinued.
Dr. Crane expressed surprise that Gregory has retained so much of his verbal and motor abilities. given the size and location of the tumors, he had expected that Gregory would be far more limited by now. However, the prognosis is a best a very short-term one. He said that Gregory could expect to have a couple of days where his clarity and coherence would be maintained and that he would live about two to six weeks longer. All of this is consistent with glioblastoma multiforme, which is the most aggressive type of brain cancer, well-known for the very short period of time in which the tumor mass can double.
However, that was February 5, and four days later Gregory is at about the same physiological level as he was then. In contrast, his spirits have lifted noticeably. On Friday, his fiftieth birthday, there was a small party that, overall, seemed to energize him more than tire him. In addition to the numerous cards, flowers, balloons, and other presents from family, friends, and co-workers here, he received gifts and greetings from friends in other states whom he has known for many years. He was tearful for a time during the party, but he also seemed to be more at peace. His high level of anxiety was diminished somewhat.
One Friday night event I thought particularly significant: Gregory's son Aaron had just bought a car from one of Gregory's co-workers and offered several of us rides. Gregory declined and went to bed, but Sam and I accepted. When we returned and told Gregory that he should have gone with us, he surprised us all by getting up and going for a ride as well. Carpe diem.
Gregory has been having brief visits from friends when he is able, and perhaps coming to closure with them has freed up more of his spiritual energy. The changes in his medications, the absence of radiation, and more rest during the day have all probably contributed positively as well. During the past few days, I have seen him express humor and kid around much like in the old days.
He gives every indication of adhering to the poet Dylan Thomas's encouragement not to "go gentle into that good night." As long as Gregory's energy and clarity hold up, we will no doubt receive more of his good-natured banter. As someone has said, "Laughter is good for the soul."
Gregory's brothers, Barry and Tony, are coming this weekend, and he is looking forward to that. All of us will enjoy seeing them again.
As always, your prayers and nurturing energy are needed and welcomed. As mentioned before, please call ahead if you would like to visit, and plan to limit your time with Gregory to only a few minutes. He does tire more quickly.
Thank you for caring so much about him and for letting him know in so many ways how much he is loved. He is blessed with many wonderful friends. Gregory is indeed a special man, one whose presence is a continuing gift, enriching the lives of all with whom he has shared his life and work.
Until next time, Charles Walker
The January Monthly Meeting---Support GroupsAfter a simple opening ritual of a couple of minutes of silent personal reflection, Doug Jenette asked us to close our eyes. Then he suggested that we go back to a time within the past few months and think of a time when we felt the most supported. He asked what made the moment special. The responses ranged widely: "feelings of trust," "being heard," "no judgement," "some judgement," "being loved and being present," and many others. There was a long discussion of the feelings that this exercise evoked. Then we began to discuss how these feelings relate to our experiences in support groups. Many men present claimed they have had the same feelings in their support group meetings.
Doug reminded us that the Men's Center has a list of recommended guidelines
for support groups, available at the Men's Center office. He also reminded us of what he referred to as the "big C's"--which act as the main rules governing support group conduct: Confidentiality and Commitment.
We were then asked to talk about our over-all experience with support groups. Many felt a sense of appreciation for the consistency of their group. Others expressed sadness about members leaving or their group disbanding altogether. Some men talked of their need to move on, while others expressed hopes of growing old with their support group members. Someone mentioned that he looked to his group for a source of personal growth while another said he wanted just to have a place to go and be heard.
There was a long discussion of certain problems in support groups such as continuity, staleness, and conflict resolution. We also discussed the state of support groups in the Men's Center. One man pointed out that over the past year fewer men were inquiring about getting into a group. Some men suggested forming new types of support groups, such as a meditation group, a group that would experience nature together, a gay men's group, and a group that would do physical work together on each others' homes and property. We realized that the possibilities for new groups are limitless.
My personal observation:
My heart has been broken lately as I hear stories of unresolved conflicts within groups, men being asked to leave groups, and group members not paying their dues. While I realize that conflict is an important vehicle for growth, I also know that unresolved conflict can be detrimental to any relationship. When there is an open wound anywhere in the body, the whole body will suffer.
The Men's Center offers resources to help a current group if it is experiencing unresolved conflict. We can also help revitalize a group that is feeling some staleness. If you have the desire to form a new group, either general in nature or with a specific focus, there are several men in the Men's Center that have been trained to facilitate the formation of new groups.
These support group issues come up at every Leadership Council meeting. We often discuss them when we talk to each other between meetings. All we, the Council, need is for you to let us know what we can do to help revitalize your group.
--Ron Blankenship, President of the Leadership Council
If you are in a support group or on a committee that has recently met in the Men's Center offices, you have no doubt noticed a dramatic change in the décor. This is the result of a very generous contribution from This End Up Furniture Company. The new furniture, along with the recent renovations made by our landlord, has made our offices more comfortable and more conducive to doing our work. I know we will all take pride in what we have and take care of it. I want to encourage those groups and committees that meet regularly at the Center to feel free (while respecting what others bring) to decorate the room where you gather and make it your own.
The following is a copy of the letter I sent to Vicky Nicholau at This End Up Furniture. Vicky assisted us in getting the fine furniture we now have.
Dear Vicky:
On behalf of the Men's Center of Raleigh and Wake County, I want to extend my most sincere and heartfelt thanks for the donation made to us by This End Up Furniture Company. Because we are a Not-For-Profit Organization, your donation of merchandise (valued at $3,794.00) is tax deductible.
We did run into one small problem. We had a difficult time finding someone to take the old furniture that we replaced. To be honest, no one wanted it. The Vietnam Vets Organization took it and advised us that they would sell what they could and dispose of anything that was left over.
Once again, thank you for taking the time to call us and to work with us on this project. The new furniture has already lifted the spirits of those who visit our Center.
Sincerely,
Ron Blankenship
President, Leadership Council, The Men's Center of Raleigh and Wake County
In order to spread the word about the Raleigh Men’s Center and get more information out there for Men searching for a better path, the Leadership Council has been exploring possible ways to get the Men’s Center up on the internet. We think we may have found a way, but we need your help.
Recently, Allen Frazelle and Hilton Freed have approached the Leadership Council with a proposal to create and maintain a web site for the RMC. They hope to create a web page which will have archived copies of the newsletter, music, live readings of poetry, and other examples of the activities sponsored by the RMC. Their concept is exciting and refreshing. It will bring a breath of fresh air and hopefully some additional men to join us.
What we need is at least eight men who can commit to donating $10 per month to support the web page activities. Just $10 per month will let us reach out to the world about what we do in Raleigh and North Carolina. If you want to help, send email to rmencenter@juno.com. Thanks for pitching in!
Interested in a Support Group?
Have you ever been a member of a support group? This kind of a group is a place to make connections, to meet some new men with whom you can share the important things going on in your life. A support group provides a special place, a safe place, to speak from your heart and to listen to the hearts of other men--to give and receive support when you feel ______ (you fill in the blank!)
The Men's Center maintains two small offices at 723 W. Johnson St. as meeting spaces for support groups. Groups are currently meeting on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Occasionally an existing group will have openings for new members. And, of course, there is always the opportunity for new groups to form. When the Center receives your request for entry into a support group, we set down your name in a list of other men seeking membership. If an existing group has an opening, we contact the group about your interest. Otherwise, when we have enough men for a new group (usually 5-7), the Center will provide a facilitator to help the group get started. Depending on the number of calls we receive, it can sometimes take a couple of months to get a new group going. If you are on this waiting list and need support in the short term, the Men's Center has several members who will speak with you by phone on a weekly basis. Call 832-0509 or e-mail.
LC Seeks Nominations For 1998-1999
The RMC Leadership Council is actively seeking candidates for the 1998-1999 council year. You may submit yourself as a candidate or suggest an RMC member who you believe would serve well the Council and the Center. Qualifications that council members seek in men who will join them include leadership potential, an ability to work effectively in a group, commitment, and personal skills or characteristics that diversify the council. Council members will also directly contact men to run for office. Submit names by April 1 to: LC Nominations, P.O. Box 6155, Raleigh, NC 27628. Or e-mail to: rmencenter@juno.com. Elections will in June; the May-June issue of the newsletter will contain voting ballots.
Finding Common Ground—Raleigh Men's Center Sponsors Institute on Men and Race
The Men's Center invites men of all ages and cultural/racial backgrounds to address racism in our society in our first Institute on Men and Race, "Finding Common Ground." We will address issues of race from the heart, working in a non-judgmental way through personal historical reflection, poetic expression and community building. Cash Michaels, managing editor of the African-American newspaper, The Carolinian, Latino poet Mark Smith-Soto, and community artist William Finger will challenge us to connect personal reflections with specific steps for action in the world. This is an opportunity for each Men's Center member to be proactive in connecting with diverse groups of men. Bring one person of a different cultural/racial background to challenge your own daily comfort level and to expand the reach of the Men's Center to new networks of men. The Institute is an opportunity to find our common ground as men even as we honor and move through our differences.
The Institute will take place from 7:00 PM, Thursday, April 23 through 4:00 PM Friday, April 24, at Camp Chestnut Ridge near Efland, NC. It will precede the Third Annual Gathering of Men, which begins Friday night at the camp (see enclosed flyer for details about the Gathering). The cost for the Institute is $35 until April 1 and $45.00 afterward. (The cost covers camp-style lodging and two meals Friday). If you come to both the Institute and the Weekend Gathering, there is a price break. For more information, or if you want to help with recruitment for this event, call Doug Lester at 919-782-2900 (day) or 832-3954 (evening).
On the third Monday of every month from 9 AM to 12 Noon, Bailey Farrin, an associate with Brooks, Stevens & Pope, will offer free information by telephone for men with questions about family legal matters. Hotline Phone #: 481-9103.
March Monthly Meeting
Have You Ever BeenMarried to a Frog?
Tonight Lee Elliott will lead us in a discussion of Shame and its power in our lives. Through folk-tale, active imagining, and personal sharing, we'll discover the source of our shame and examine the the powerful feelings that accompany it. We'll explore ways we can transform the source from some destructive "inadequacy" (often taught to us in childhood) into a creative energy we can embrace as our unique gift to the world. Lee is a member of the Leadership Council and edits the newsletter.
New Support Group Possibilities
Bill Finger has expressed an interest in participating with other men in either an "Into the Wilderness" or a "Building/Projects" support group.
Bill writes: "I don't desire to lead a group, but I would be willing to help organize one. The idea underlying this type of support group is that men through the ages have worked together--done things together. Simply talking together is, in some ways, foreign to our nature as men. This doesn't mean that we don't need a talking/sharing connection as a means of understanding our feelings. But often we can have more access to our feelings if we DO something first and then reflect on what comes up in the DOING together. I think it's a rhythmic thing. Ten years ago, when I helped start a support group, I needed to simply sit and talk-- and not do. Now, I need to hike and build things. One activity is not better than the other. I'm not judging 'talking' as bad. But it seems that the Men's Center groups as a whole are in a rut and need to be DOING for awhile collectively, not just talking. But I don't have the broader pulse--only my own."
Are you interested? Call Bill Finger at ###-####
We would like to invite you to an inquiry into what it means to be an adult man and other questions that relate to our lives.
2nd Thursday of Every
Month, 7:30-9:30 PM
6200 Coldwater Court, Raleigh, NC
Call Martin Brossman ###########
Bring a favorite beverage or snack.
"Our Commitment is to support the Men's Center of Raleigh and Wake County as well as to support the creation and maintenance of relationships with ourselves and others"
Tonight Art Kirwin will lead us in an exploration of the techniques of Centering Prayer and one of its sources, the medieval classic, The Cloud of Unknowing. Art is a Roman Catholic priest in the Dominican Order and is currently secretary of the Men's Center Leadership Council.
Send e-mail: Raleigh Men's Center
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