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The Men's Centerof Raleigh and Wake County |
| Archives |
The Men's Centerof Raleigh and Wake County |
May-June 1998
Vision, Mission, Follow Through
THE VISION
A world in which people recognize one another as who they are rather than what they do, and celebrate the spiritual connectedness of all life.
THE MISSION
The Raleigh Men's Center provides a safe place in which men support men in becoming themselves. We are committed to strengthening men's roles as friend, son, father, husband/partner and citizen. The Men's Center is committed to strengthening the individual, the family and the community.
Temple, I want to say thank you for sharing your time and expertise during our recent Leadership Retreat. Under your guidance we were able to see the bigger picture.
And I want to thank Art Kirwin and the Brothers of the De Porres House for opening their home to us for the weekend.
Out of that weekend came a new Vision and a new definition of our Mission. We also set some immediate and long-term goals for the Men's Center (see Art Kirwin's Leadership Council in Action). As we were working through the process, my spirit began to soar with anticipation and hope.
As we worked deeper into the process, Temple reminded us that there must be a person willing to be held accountable for each of our stated goals. Here I began to feel some sadness and anxiety, because in precious Councils accountability often became a problem--a stuck place.
I remember that in years past, when the Council would ask for volunteers to be held accountable, a Council Member would volunteer to take responsibility for one or more of the goals. Quite often, however, it would become painfully clear that trying to manage his regular Council duties, his personal life, and this new additional responsibility was an impossible task. With a great deal of sadness and sometimes a sense of shame, the volunteer would have to confess he was feeling overwhelmed. As a result, the goal would be abandoned.
In order to prevent this pattern from repeating itself, the Council of 1996-97 agreed that they would depend on the Elders' Council and the general membership to take responsibility for carrying out most of the goals of the Men's Center.
So what is my point? Well, it's this: if we in the general membership are unwilling to embrace and, more important, take responsibility for the Vision, the Mission, and the goals set forth by our Leadership Council, then we will remain in our current rut. (I once heard it said that a rut is nothing more than a grave with both ends kicked out).
You may think that my language is extreme, but I assure you it is not. We are not making rent, membership dues cannot pay for the newsletter, membership numbers are stagnant at best, and we are doing nothing new to realize our Mission.
Brothers, I tell you that we, the members of the Men's Center, must do something, and we must do it now, or we are going to be having some very hard times.
I know that many of you just got back from the Gathering of Men weekend and you are feeling really up and positive. It is my hope and expectation that you will turn those feelings into action. If you were at the Gathering, you were asked to fill out a survey. This survey is obviously a call to action. If you didn't respond, I would ask that you fill it out now and drop it in the mail addressed to our Post Office Box. If you were not at the Gathering, please find the enclosed survey, fill it out, and mail it in to us.
I believe that each of us are members because the Men's Center has a need or is currently meeting one. Please trust me when I tell you that there are many other men in our communities that have needs that we can meet. Those needs are why our Leadership Council has established the goals they have. But the Council is not able to meet these goals on its own. If men from the membership do not take responsibility, the goals will not become a reality.
Our phone log and messaging system is running much more efficiently because a man cared and took responsibility. We now have a web page because a man cared and took responsibility. We have just held the Third Annual Gathering of Men because a man cared and took responsibility. And yet none of these men did these projects alone; they just said they were willing to be held accountable. If you decide to take responsibility, you can help us come one step closer to realizing our Mission.
--Ron Blankenship
Talking about personal issues can be helpful, especially among a supportive group of men. Support groups have been the backbone of the Men's Center from our beginnings eleven years ago. But understanding and grappling with deep emotions requires not only talking but also artistic expression. "Whatever the wound that has to heal, the moment of creation assures that all is well," says the poet May Sarton. In my experience, she is right.
In 1992, after four years in a strong support group, I was getting frustrated. I didn't know exactly why, only that I wasn't getting enough of what I needed from the weekly meetings. Only later did I realize that I was edging up to face the deep, long-term issue of depression in my life. The support group, I now know, helped me get to a place where I was able to go into the depression and not fear it. But it took artistic expressions, along with other tools, to understand the role depression played in my life and to come to terms with it.
One night I left the group at the end of our regular Monday gathering. The next day in the mail arrived a notice of an adult creative movement class starting the next week at Arts Together. I called Lema Mackie, the instructor, and told her I was interested, but I was concerned the class would be all women. I had done a little creative movement at several men's conferences, I told her, but I didn't have much confidence or experience, and I was nervous about dancing with only women. She said that I would contribute to the class and that I should come. The next Monday night, my support group met across town, all men. I was at Arts Together with all women.
Lema opened the class with a reading from Ted Shawn, who started the first all-men's modern dance company. Shawn talked about the power men have in their bodies and the beauty in expressing that power. I felt welcomed and plunged ahead. In the six years since, I've followed the instinctive joy and attraction felt that night in Lema's class. The next fall, I began coordinating a men's creative movement class at Arts Together, learning along with those who came. Guest instructors taught us all. I began to rediscover the early joys of my life through movement. The joy of clogging every Saturday night as a boy during my summers in western North Carolina connected, in this middle-aged journey, to an hour-long dance on men's initiation by the men's movement class, performed in my back yard on my 46th birthday.
Dance has helped me bring deeply buried feelings into a larger community, at Men's Center conferences, in Sunday morning church services, on stage in community dance projects, and in other settings. I have not needed a lifetime of formal dance training to succeed because, as my teacher Liz Lerman puts it, "Every human movement is a thing of beauty if done with intention and focus."
As I write this, I'm doing final planning for the Men's Center sponsored Institute on Men and Race, to be held April 23-24. At this overnight gathering, men will write poetry or develop a phrase of movement around the role race has played in their lives. We will then join these phrases and poems into a performance at the conference. Creating and performing these artistic expressions provides a means for us to get more grounded before we return home with a specific project for addressing what may be our nation's biggest overall problem, racism.
To understand who we are, in relationship to the world, we may choose poetry, singing, writing, dance. or some other artistic expression. Whatever artistic medium resonates with you, take the time to go there. An entire support group may try some approach together, to move beyond what cognitive sharing can do alone. Some have tried the ropes course, which is a beginning. The creation of art can take us all to a new level, whether we're dealing with grief or joy, life passages or intimacies, conflicts as a parent or as a partner, with the passing of a parent or the coming of a child. The risk is worth the reward. The moment of creation is a pathway to life, a step towards health.
--William Finger
LEADERSHIP COUNCIL RETREAT
On March 6 and 7, the Leadership Council of the Men's Center met in retreat overnight at the De Porres House in Raleigh. Temple Porter joined us to keep us on track with his expertise. With Temple's assistance, the Council came up with working Vision and Mission Statements, and fifteen goals (which we listed in order of priority).
VISION
A world in which people recognize one another as who they are rather than what they do, and celebrate the spiritual connectedness of all life.
MISSION
The Raleigh Men's Center provides a safe place in which men support men in becoming themselves. We are committed to strengthening men's roles as friend, son, father, husband/partner and citizen. The Men's Center is committed to strengthening the individual, the family, and the community.
GOALS (Our First Five)
1. Educate men by way of monthly meetings, workshops, conferences, annual Spring Gathering.
2. Provide for spiritual growth by way of retreats, rituals, initiation, dance, drumming, poetry.
3. Contact youth and troubled men through Outreach Programs.
4. Inform the public on men's issues by way of newsletter, phone log, public announcements, a speakers' bureau, and vision/mission statements.
5. Increase membership.
Our next five goals were: offer professional services to men, increase participation, strengthen and diversify support groups, network with other groups, hire a paid director.
In our discussions we prioritized our goals and set time lines for carrying them out. Also, each of us volunteered to be held accountable for one or more of these goals.
--Art Kirwin
The Impact Of Divorce On Employee Benefits
This short article will touch on the impact of divorce on three types of employee benefits: retirement plans, individual retirement accounts, and health insurance. If you have further questions or comments, please contact Bailey J. Farrin at Brooks, Stevens & Pope, P.A., at telephone number ###-#### or e-mail address ###############).
After a couple's separation, a court in North Carolina is empowered to divide the couple's "marital property," if at least one spouse makes such a claim. "Marital property" means all real and personal property acquired by either spouse or both spouses during the course of the marriage and before the date of separation, except for "separate property" or "divisible property." "Separate property" means all real and personal property acquired by a spouse before marriage, acquired by a spouse through inheritance or gift during the marriage, or earned by a spouse by his active efforts after the date of separation.
"Divisible property" is passive appreciation and diminution in value of marital property and passive income from marital property after the date of separation. "Divisible property" is also defined to include increases in marital debt after the date of separation and property received after the date of separation due to the efforts of either spouse during the marriage and prior to the date of separation.
A presumption exists that a court will evenly divide marital property, including marital debt, and divisible property, including divisible debt, in an equitable distribution action unless equitable, mostly economic factors are proven.
Retirement Benefits:
Pursuant to a recent change in the law, both vested and nonvested retirement benefits are considered marital property, as long as they were earned during the marriage and before the date of separation. State courts may divide marital interests in plans governed by the Employee Retirement Income Security Act of 1974 or by qualified domestic relations orders. Plans governed by ERISA generally include profit-sharing plans with some exceptions: savings, thrift plans, money purchase pension plans, target benefit pension plans, ESOPs, stock bonus plans and defined benefit (including cash balance) pension plans.
Individual Retirement Accounts:
Individual Retirement Accounts are not governed by ERISA but may also be considered marital property. IRAs are also divided by a court order.
Such divisions and distributions, if done properly, are not considered taxable distributions. Once the marital interest in a qualified plan or an IRA is divided and transferred to the nonemployee spouse, the transferee assumes tax liability for the benefits.
Group Health Plans:
Group health plans must honor certain state court orders directing participants to provide health benefit coverage for their dependent children, even if the participants do not have custody of these children. These orders must meet the requirements of Qualified Medical Child Support Orders, under ERISA and the North Carolina General Statutes.
Under the federal Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act ("COBRA"), spouses and the children of an employee may have the right to temporary continuation of health coverage at group rates after a divorce or legal separation.1 COBRA generally covers group health plans maintained by employers with twenty (20) or more employees in the prior year. It applies to plans in the private sector and those sponsored by state and local governments. The law does not, however, apply to plans sponsored by the federal government and certain church-related organizations.
If a spouse qualifies as a COBRA beneficiary, he or she is generally eligible to pay for group coverage for himself or herself up to a maximum of thirty-six (36) months.
1. Under a QMSCO, a group health plan may be required to provide full health coverage, not only temporary coverage, to the children of participants.
--Bailey J. Farrin
In
Memory Of
Ode to the Surfacing Soul
As some of you know, my relationship with my father was strained and awkward. For a long time our hushed and frank dealings left me with omnifarious anger and shadowed most of my emotions, forming love into an almost impossible state to attain. My father's struggle to show me his love never broke through the waves that guarded my ocean of feelings; his solar energy rarely nursed my sea life, so murky were the waters. His four-month fight against death has touched me finally in its conclusion. I feel, for perhaps the first time in my life, my father's love unfiltered, untainted and decoded. I also feel, as you feel, a black hole of mourning for the eccentric, loving, soft and gentle man that ceased to live early Saturday morning. I mourn because I wish I had seen more of this man I now know as my father. I also mourn because I see that my actions towards him were far from characteristic of the love he needed from his son. I only hope that he felt some of my love before he died, even though I had yet to come t realize that it existed. My only wish is for his radiant qualities to emerge from within my tired and weathered soul, now that I can feel my heart-breaking and life-affirming love for him.
--Aaron Berns
Read by Aaron at the memorial service for his father Gregory, March 2, 1998
He was a friend who became a brother, that tall, lanky man from Kentucky who loved people, sought the spiritual, celebrated life. I met him in 1988 and liked him immediately. Friday lunch soon became a time for us to share the experiences that shaped our formative years as well as the ones that now filled our everyday lives. When he introduced me to his farm near Youngsville, where I saw how deeply devoted he was to the land, to the beauty of the natural world around him, I knew that he was a kindred spirit who would become a lifelong friend. Little did I know that our friendship's length would be measured in terms of his life rather than mine.
Last November 15, Gregory experienced what was first thought to be a stroke. Instead, it was glioblastoma multiforme, the most aggressive type of brain cancer, which had grown undetected (as is often the case) until the tumor was large. Within a few minutes that Saturday morning, it had robbed him of significant parts of his spoken language ability and vision. Fifteen short weeks later, almost to the hour, it took his life.
Gregory's friendship enriched my life in many ways, and witnessing the moment of his death has proven to be a powerful experience. I know that I will always grieve, to some degree, the parting of this enigmatic, kind, and gentle brother, but I will always feel a bond with his spirit. My memories of Gregory include his
· Deeply loving his children, Aaron and Emily.
· Loving to dance, be it clogging for the residents of a Clayton nursing home, impromptu line-dancing in the living room at the farm to the strains of "Mustang Sally," or simply moving with the mesmerizing drumming at the Meade-Hillman weekend in Chapel Hill.
· Putting new linoleum on the kitchen floor and disagreeing about whether to follow the adhesive's directions.
· Canoeing on the Eno in the Folbot that he and Aaron assembled.
· Relishing humor, creating and choreographing songs, and reading telegrams, ostensibly from famous personalities, to enliven birthday and graduation celebrations.
· Traveling, for pure enjoyment as well as spiritual quest, to several places, including India, Germany, Central America, Hawaii, and Colorado.
· Leaving Old Blue (his vintage pickup) beside the road after a breakdown and returning to find it in the downhill ditch on the opposite side, none the worse for having rolled there on its own.
· Writing his first poem, about the death of one of his ewes.
· Swapping a single battery back and forth between Old Blue and his tractor rather than buying each its own.
· Giving generously, in stark contrast to his often frustrating frugality.
· Walking in the woods at the farm, especially to the multi-trunked tulip poplar that he treasured.
· Celebrating Thanksgiving, a holiday he loved more than Christmas, for it was a day to invite friends to the farm, share the cooking of special dishes, feast, listen to music, and speak aloud what each person was thankful for.
Gregory showed me what community could be like. I am grateful to remain a part of his.
--Charles Walker
Gregory Berns 1948-1998
I sit here on the deck, sun warmth on my shoulder, and think of my brother Gregory. A vast canyon of a man, deep with crevices dark and unexplored, breathtaking vistas of light and love and currents to sustain the curiosity of exploration. I miss you, Gregory. I miss the playful grin, beginning on your forehead, quickly creeping over your whole face, all the while the boyish innocence lingering in your eyes. I miss your enveloping hugs, my head resting against your shoulder, the deep breath in your chest giving to me the acceptance and presence I so long for. I miss the earnest listening with which you were always ready.
I look around me and observe the many pieces of you, scattered about, that I have come to love so dearly. The hummingbirds still come to visit the feeder that hangs from the eaves which hasn't held liquid in the three springs that I've lived here. Old Blue sits alone in the field, glorious backdrop of field and forest and dreams, rusting body concealing the bright red, rebuilt engine that lies within. I miss all the parts of you, Gregory Berns, and while I feel your soul here beside me in the bleating of the goats, the dance of the irises and the oaks overhead, the oaks in front and in back, the oaks all around, and all the evidence of your immense love for all of God's creatures, I miss your gentle touch, brother.
Word just cannot express... Suffice it to say you are, and will always be, "my main man."
I love you.
Sam.
At first, it was his height that I noticed,
And his curly brown hair,
And the graceful way he walked across a room
to greet a friend.
Then it was his steady gaze in conversation,
His supple movement in ritual dance circles,
The depth of his soulful life observations,
And a kind of love that flowed easily outward.
Only later was it the way he moved in water,
Powerfully, smoothly.
As if water was his most natural medium of travel.
Watching him swim away--a fierce competitor,
Knowing his admonition to "just have fun" was mostly sincere.
Next it was his attention to dreams--intense
curiosity,
Adventures in that other nighttime world populated by shadows.
Questioning as his sweat flowed from exertion on a bike
or road in this world.
Some fear of saying Yes, while daily embracing life in so many ways.
..............
Then, as the stillness came, seeing him
taking in loving contact,
Giving much more than he knew.
Dull and sharp, fussy and serene, letting go and holding on.
All the consistencies and contradictions of a life lived full.
Coming down to this, whispered through a smile,
"Beautiful, beautiful."
--Doug Jennette
Erivan Araujo, a licensed practitioner of the Feldenkrais Method, will present a free, introductory workshop on Tuesday, June 9th, from 7:00 to 9:00 P.M., at Pullen Memorial Baptist Church. Erivan is a member of the Feldenkrais Guild, an international professional organization whose members have completed 800-1000 hours of Feldenkrais training.
Developed by Moshe Feldenkrais (1904-1984), the method is a form of body work based upon the belief that movement influences mental processes. A practitioner offers to clients two types of service: Awareness Through Movement (ATM) and Functional Integration.
In ATM, the teacher verbally guides participants through a series of basic movements while sitting, standing, or lying on the floor. The emphasis is on learning to relax, becoming aware of habitual patterns and postures, and developing new alternatives. The goal of this method of body work is to reduce stress, tension, and fatigue, and to develop efficient and flexible movement. During Functional Integration, the practitioner uses gentle, hands-on movement to guide the individual through a series of precise movements. This type of work is especially helpful for people with recurrent difficulties resulting from stress, accident, illness, or misuse of muscles.
At the June 9 demonstration workshop, Erivan will offer an ATM session. Participants should wear loose, comfortable clothing. During the month of May, Erivan will be conducting a series of Feldenkrais workshops in Brazilia, returning to the Triangle May 26.
LC Seeks Nominations For 1998-1999
The RMC Leadership Council is actively seeking candidates for the 1998-1999 council year. You may submit yourself as a candidate or suggest an RMC member who you believe would serve well the Council and the Center. Qualifications that council members seek in men who will join them include leadership potential, an ability to work effectively in a group, commitment, and personal skills or characteristics that diversify the council. Council members will also directly contact men to run for office. Submit names by May 15 to: LC Nominations, P.O. Box 6155, Raleigh, NC 27628. Or e-mail to: rmencenter@juno.com. Elections will be in June; the May-June issue of the newsletter will contain voting ballots.
LEGAL INFO FROM WOMEN'S CENTER
The Women's Center of Chapel Hill offers free legal information. Speak with a volunteer attorney by phone for fifteen minutes about divorce, consumer law, tenant's rights, etc. This is information, not advice, consultation or representation, but it may help you clarify your legal issue. Appointment times vary. FREE. Call 968-4610.
May Monthly Meeting
Conflict and the Myth of Resolution
Paul Tierney will lead us in a little spring spade work on our attitudes and responses to conflict. Why does the resolution we long for elude us? Why do we seem to repeatedly find what we least want? Our goal will be to uncover the rich loam in this neglected briar patch--and discover some of the surprising ways we may be nourished if we have to courage to explore it.
Paul, long active in the Men's Center, is currently a member of the Elders' Council.
June Monthly
Meeting
Male Friendships
Tonight we will be remembering male friendships from different times in our lives: childhood, college age, and the present. We will also discuss different types of friendships: the buddies of our youth, our work relationships, our close adult friendships, and more. Wiegand is currently a member of the Leadership Council.
Paul Tierney writes, "I wrote this poem after my father died this January."
For George
Iron urge gone
Will falling delicately
I watch through essential winter death
Incubating shining spring diamond
--Paul Tierney, 1/27/98
Arachne's mockery is flawless.
The Gods' punishment harsh.
Enduring Sisyphean rocks,
mountains break apart as trees overcome them and for centuries stand alone.
Even as my hands remove them from the earth,
these silent stones keep their pain and secrets so well.
And I find emptiness as well as dreams.
Eyelids, heavy with the cruelty of nighttime
waves, moisten the shoreline
Nearing autumn's death and the sleep of winter, I cross the endless river Styx.
Pandora's box opens as it closes.
Hope follows all else out.
--Hilton Freed
September 23, 1997
October 28, 1997
He loved the puddles in the gutter.
Dancing to the door and ritually biting his
leash, he was thanking me
before I could disappoint him.
It was raining the night he died.
/
His happy pace was gone, he couldn't shake the rain off and the baptism
that graced me was gone with his strength.
My wife took the cats and said, "He is your dog."
Did I own him ?
When the wolf became a dog, where did the wolf go ?
Long before I heard the thunder, he was
barking with the ancestral
howling deep within him.
Now alone with an empty collar of tags, I
remember his dark soft coat in
my hands.
That's all he ever wanted.
Next to man.
--Hilton Freed
This Creative Movement workshop utilizes authentic movement to allow us to connect with our true inner self and its language of feelings. In a safe and supportive environment, we will learn to move at and honor our own unique pace. We will share our thoughts and our feelings after each movement. It is through this process that old tapes can begin to be rewritten.
This will be another day of being in touch with our feelings in a safe place. We will move creatively to the music that we hear within. In addition, we will introduce touch drawing as another means of expressing our feelings. Other artistic mediums will be available.
Bob Irvine and Frederick Whitmeyer invite all men that are on a path of personal and spiritual growth and are ready for change to join us at this special workshop.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Date: Saturday, May 9, 1998
Time: 8:45 am until 4:15 PM
Place: Duke Memorial Methodist
Church at Duke and Chapel
Hill Streets in Durham, NC
Price: $35 - $55 (sliding scale... you decide what you pay)
Directions: from South, take Durham freeway (Hwy 147) to Duke Street; exit at Duke Street and continue north to Chapel Hill Street. Cross Chapel Hill Street, turn left behind church and park in one of the parking lots behind the church. Enter the gate marked with balloons.
From North, exit I-85 onto Durham freeway. Exit freeway at Chapel Hill Street. Turn left and continue to Duke Street. Turn left at Duke Street and follow directions above.
The following poem came out of the 1997 Spring Gathering.
One Sunday Morning in Carolina
A group of men, a dozen or perhaps thirteen,
Come together to sing and to become able to sing better.
They start out safely with simple old
favorites,
Taking time out to tell of early shamings and other hurts
Associated with lifting their voices in song,
Thumping each other's backs to release such grief,
And moving on to singing rounds
With surprising harmony, power and ease.
Then circling up to sing the old Irish ditty
Of McGintie and McClarity lying in the very same bed
And neither one knowing the other one's dead
With one of the men hopping into the circle
To do an old Celtic heel and toe reel
As the rest stamp and clap and sing.
And then a man speaking of his drunken Irish
father
And others pitching in their own tales of similar vein
'Til the whole inside of the circle stinks of unrotted shit.
And another man now beginning to speak
In preacher-like cadence that calls to the group
To transcend the tether of everyday life
And enter the hearts and minds of their dead back through time
Until seven generations are all on the line.
Now through the chanting and the
foot-stamping,
Someone yells, "Don't leave me behind!" and another voice
Confesses to leaving his woman and children,
And a third fellow sobs wildly as tears gush from his eyes.
And so it goes on
Until the cess of unforgiven ancestral muck
Is all poured out into the sacred circle.
Then the men chant "I forgive you and I
forgive me. I'm Free, We're All Free"
As they do a wee jig to seal their deliverance
From their families' karmic loads
And come back to ordinary time--relieved, laughing and hugging,
Not seeing the ancestral spirits clustered
like flowers all about them.
Nor yet grasping that they have been to Calvary for their kin.
That realization may come tomorrow, or never.
A small matter, perhaps, for good work has been done.
Or perhaps not a small matter,
For there is more good work yet to do.
--Don Sale
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